The Icing on the Cake

Many of us say that we have an addiction to pornography, but that’s like an alcoholic saying that he has an addiction to Coors Beer.  No, the alcoholic has an addiction to alcohol, and Coors Beer is just one form of that addiction.  In our case, we are not addicted to pornography.  We are addicted to lust, in all its many forms.

In trying to overcome our addiction to lust there are already two strikes against us.

1. The first strike is our brain. Our brain is not our friend.  It's an organ of our body that has become accustomed to receiving a shot of dopamine whenever we give in to any form of lust.
    
2. The second strike is Satan.  He is real and will temp us whenever and wherever he can.

Most of us deal with two of the most common forms of lust, pornography and masturbation. Where either pornography or masturbation exists, the other is not far behind.

I know several guys who say they have given up pornography but still have a problem with masturbation. In my opinion one of the reasons for this is because some bishops and therapists council that masturbation is not as bad as pornography.

Therefore, if we believe that masturbation is the “lesser of two evils,” both our brain and Satan know that our defense against masturbation will be less that our defense against pornography.  As a result both our brain and Satan will happily tempt us to give in to masturbation.  And as we give in, our defenses will eventually be lowered, so that we will once again give in to pornography—along with the added bonus of masturbation.

Satan and our brain are willing to happily sit by, patiently waiting for us to tire of giving in to just one of those weaknesses knowing that we will ultimately give in to both.

I am going to use a metaphor.  It isn't the best, but it should work for my purposes.  It involves cake and frosting.  For most of us when we are served cake it usually comes with frosting. Cake can be viewed as pornography and the frosting is masturbation.  If we decide to resist eating cake but continue to eat frosting, at some point we will probably want the cake back.  After all cake and frosting go together.

Believe me; I have heard more than one guy say “I think I now have control over pornography.  I only have a problem with masturbation, but at least I don’t think dirty thoughts when I give in to it.”—as though that makes it OK.  That’s like, “I only eat frosting and when I do, I make sure there are not cake crumbs attached.”  Believe me, eventually you will want your cake back with your frosting.

Real Solution

If we really want to give up cake, we must be willing to also give up frosting—and we must give them both up at the same time—and completely.  Frosting cannot be viewed the “lesser of two evils!”
And I would hope that bishops and therapists would stop giving the impression that masturbation is not as big a problem as pornography.  If you already have an addiction to lust, masturbation already is a big problem!

The Science of Pornography Addiction

The Word of Wisdom should be sufficient for members of the Church to refrain from Tea, Coffee, Tobacco, and Alcohol,  But it is nice to know that science supports the Lord's law of health.

The same should be true of the Law of Chastity.  We should obey this law without any need for scientific validation. But it is also nice to know that there is validation from modern science.

Here are two videos that explain the huge problems in society caused by Internet Pornography.  The second video builds on the first. So watch them in order..

The Demise of Guys EDITED (4 minutes)
This TED Talk explains that Boys/Men are falling behind Girls/Women in all aspects of our modern life. The cause being pornography.  I have edited out parts of the original which made me feel uncomfortable.

The Great Porn Experiment EDITED (15 minutes)
This TED Talk explains why pornography is so addictive, especially in boys and younger men.  I have edited out parts of the original which made me feel uncomfortable.

Choosing a Marriage Partner

A Classic Talk by Dr. Brent A. Barlow for LDS Young Single Adults

I am including this video on my blog because I care for the single guys in my 12 Step Group. When choosing a mate, or being worthy to be a mate, they are no different than anyone else.

Dr. Brent A. Barlow was a professor of marriage, family and human development at Brigham Young University (BYU). He is now retired. He has written several books on topics related to marriage.

Books by Brent include: Just for Newlyweds, Twelve Traps in Today's marriages and how to Avoid Them, What Husbands Expect of Wives, Worth Waiting For: Sexual Abstinence Before Marriage and What Wives Expect of Husbands. He has also written articles on such topics on inter-faith marriage by Mormons.

If you are single, check out this other post: The Importance of Having "The Talk."

Barriers vs Boundaries

With an addiction, there are things we are trying to avoid.  And for many of those bad things we try to employ either a Barrier or a Boundary.

Let me discuss each of those two approaches.

Barriers

​A barrier is like a brick wall. Something keeping you from accessing what’s on the other side.  In our case it might be a filter on our computer, laptop, or smartphone. Do filters work?  Yes and no.  They are not perfect but they are necessary in some situations.  Like on a home computer with children around.  You don’t want them to accidentally run into stuff they shouldn’t be exposed to.

But these filters probably only work with young children, not with tech-savvy teens or adults. The problem with a barrier or filter is that our natural man rebels against barriers. You already know by your own experience that when you have a barrier in your way, at some point, you will test that barrier to see if you can get around it. And invariably you will.

I was attending a non-ARP recovery group a couple of years ago and one guy said. “I put a filter on my PC but the other day it quit working, so I got access to pornography. It was the filter’s fault!”

Another guy in that same group said, “My roommate lets me use his laptop.  He knows I have an addiction so he put a filter on it.  But he turns it off when he is using the laptop.  The other day he forgot to turn the filter back on. So I got access and acted out. It was my roommate's fault!”

About a year ago, I asked my bishop to lock down my smart phone, so I couldn’t access the internet. We used a locking program and he locked it down using a pattern that he chose.  However, after several weeks, I became “curious.”  So I tried entering a pattern.  The first pattern I entered worked and unlocked my phone.  So in this case, “It was my bishop’s fault!”  ……  NOT!

Do you see a problem and a pattern here?  I do.  Barriers just don’t work all that well. And they remove responsibility from us, to maintain our own sobriety, and put that responsibility on outside forces.

So am I saying let’s open up the floodgates?  No, not at all.  In fact, some barriers are necessary, like removing all internet access from our home or apartment for a period of time.  Please see my post regarding “TheLaw of Moses

Boundaries

Barriers are external walls.  Boundaries, however, are internal decisions or promises we make to ourselves and others.

Here are some examples of possible boundaries:

• I will not take an internet-enabled device into the bathroom or bedroom
• I will not use a computer at school if no one else in the room can see my screen
• I will not go to Seven Peaks
• I will not watch anything on YouTube without another person watching it with meOr better yet, I will not access YouTube
• I will not watch television alone
• I will not have cable TV in my home
• I will not stay up at night past x:xx.
• I will not drive down a certain street or go to a particular location
• I will not use Snapchat, Instagram, or Facebook if they have ever been a problem
• I will not test out someone else’s filter on their device
• And the list goes on and on……

For some strange reason, these boundaries came easily to my mind….

The advantage of a boundary, is that it's internal, it comes from the heart. It is not imposed by someone else. However, it's only as good as our commitment. 

So for a boundary to really work we need to:

1. Write it down, so we and others can read it.  
2. Share it with Heavenly Father.  
3. Share it with at least one other human being.  And commit that we will confess within 48 hours if we ever break that boundary.

If we don’t do those things, it will only be a “wish” not a real boundary.

I love this quote from Karl G. Maeser, talking about barriers and boundaries:

“Place me behind prison walls [a barrier] - walls of stone ever so high, ever so thick, reaching ever so far into the ground.  There is a possibility that in some way or another I may be able to escape.

But stand me on that floor and draw a chalk line around me and have me give my word of honor [a boundary] never to cross it.  Can I get out of that circle?  No. Never. I’d die first.”

What Works and What Doesn't

In overcoming an addiction, some things work well and some things just don't.

Let me cover both topics, but I'll cover the negative ones first.

What Doesn't Work

I have been attending 12 Step Meetings for over four years. Over that period I have tried lots of things and observed lots of things that just don't work!

However, some of the things that don't work happen to be very popular -- but they still don't work.  Here are a few:

Tapering Off Doesn't Work

Trying to taper off from an addiction provides a false sense of hope, but it never works.  Does this sound familiar?

I was sober for 7 days last week, so this week I'll shoot for 8 days.  And then if  he hits day 8 what happens -- he celebrates his accomplishment and relapses.

So after his relapse he shoots for 9 days and then relapses and so on and so on.  

When I relapsed last, I had been sober for 11 months.  Should I now just shoot for 12 months and then relapse???

It never ends -- it really doesn't work!

Setting a Sobriety Goal Doesn't Work

This approach is also very popular.  But it too doesn't work.

Here are some examples:

1. I had a friend who wanted to stay sober so he could attend the sealing of his sister.  He made it .  But he relapsed the night after the sealing. You see he met his goal.  So he let down his guard and rewarded himself.
     
2. I have a friend who wanted to attend the temple with his younger brother when he received his endowments.  Well he made it to his goal.  But you already know what happened afterwords.
     
3. I know more than one guy who wanted to stay sober so he could get married in the temple. That was his goal. Well each of those guys met there goal. But each relapsed within weeks of getting married.

Setting a sobriety goal only works up until you hit your goal.  It's not permanent.

Plus when we set a sobriety goal, our reptilian brain, remembers that goal and says: "I can probably wait till that date, and then I'll get my reward."

Counting Days Is Neither Good Nor Bad

The only thing I have against counting days is that it emphasizes something negative (the emphasis is on the last time you screwed up). 

I would prefer counting how many times I avoided a temptation or trigger and then reward myself accordingly. 

One writer suggests keeping a 3 by 5 card in your pocket and making a check mark every time you avoid a temptation so you can see how well you are really doing with recovery!

​

What Works

Here are a few things that I've observed that work:

Decide That "This Time" Is The Last Time

Believe it or not, some time has to be the "last time!"  So when will that "last time" be???  If we keep pushing that decision into the future, we will never have a "last time."  So decide right now that the last time you relapsed will actually be the "last time!"  Go ahead -- do it!!

The Lord wants you to make that decision.  Satan wants you to postpone that decision.  

Your spirit wants you to make that decision,   You natural man wants you to postpone that decision.

Now I know what you're thinking.  Your thinking, "But I don't trust myself.  I've promised myself that countless times in the past.  How can I make that decision this time?" 

One big difference is that this time you will involve the Lord in that decision.  You won't be doing it by yourself.  That 's the whole purpose of the 12 steps.  

Now I admit you might make that decision and fall on your face.  But at least that decision has already been made -- it is still in force.  The Lord will support you in your honest efforts.

Other Things That Work

Here is a list of other things that work in recovery:

1. Attend at least one ARP meeting a week and be consistent.
    
2. If you attend more than one meeting a week, at least make one of them your "home group."  Get to know the guys -- get their phone numbers, etc.
    
3. Reach out to other guys and ask for help or reach out and offer help.
    
4. When you reach out, you bless TWO lives.  (This ought to be scripture)  :-)
    
5. The opposite of addiction is connection.  Reach out to someone at least once a day.
     
6. When tempted, use PMS: Pray, Move (or change your environment), and get Support.
    
7. Do your dailies DAILY!  Include as a minimum, sincere prayer and reading the Book of Mormon.
    
8. Meet with your bishop on a regular basis.
      
9. Ask for a blessing on a regular basis.
     
10. Be accountable to at least one other person, daily if possible.
     
11. Read your patriarchal blessing often.
     
12. Fast with a purpose and do it more than just on Fast Sunday.
     
13. Give service to others and forget yourself.
     
14. Do NOT isolate!

This looks like a long list.  But nothing on the list takes a long time.

Not Your Typical Confession *

I am no longer surprised, when I get a new sponsee, to learn that he was introduced to the addiction at a young age, continued in the habit throughout his youth, experienced anxiety around girls, acted out on the addiction regularly (or tried to not act out on the addiction regularly) went on a mission, continued to act out, got married,  continued to act out, and confessed to his priesthood leaders the whole time.

For a church that bears the name of Him who cannot look up sin with the least degree of allowance, we seem to allow a lot of pornography and masturbation.

Which is why I was so glad when my last sponsee added a different ending to the story. He was living the regular ritual of confession and relapse, and was quite comfortable. He had relapsed again and made an appointment for the confession. Because bishops had changed since his last relapse, he knew he’d be confessing to someone new, but that didn’t bother him, he’d been doing this for years. Sound familiar?

The interview lasted 5 minutes.

The bishop released him from his calling, took his temple recommend, referred him to a therapist, said he he couldn’t act out any more, and told him not to come back into his office till he had some good news. No talk about scripture study and prayer, just a focus on stopping the madness.

After hearing this I told my sponsee that I was impressed, and that in my opinion most bishops didn’t know how to handle guys like us and ended up coddling. He assured me that his new bishop didn’t coddle.

Guess what happened. The bishop’s wake up call, woke the guy up. He is now meeting with a therapist, working with a sponsor, and attending meetings. He is learning. He is growing. It is painful. He doesn’t like it.

If he keeps it up he might actually get sober.

* The original post can be found at EmbracingPowerlessness.com

Mike's Story *

The real lead in, is that I was deep in thought that day.  And I acted out in the middle of the day. I sat in my chair, then on the corner of my bed. I was texting my best friend, Charlotte, who was back home in Maryland across the country. A few weeks earlier I had confessed to her that I was addicted to pornography, and had been for 10 years. She began a 24 hour fast at Four a.m. the very hour I confessed.

 So then, there I was texting her two weeks after that, and I was telling her how bad it was and how there were no guarantees that I would be able to ever stop. I was telling her about how many times I'd tried and failed in the past. I was hopeless, and I was expressing it to her. And then she sent a message back. She said, "well, we all know Mike does whatever he wants anyway." Now, I want to take a moment and pause; you see, without context you may not be privy to the effect this quote had on me.

In effect, she was calling me out. She was calling my bluff, my lies, and my deception, as though to say:

"If anyone knows the person I know, which is you, Michael, then they know that if there is anything you do, it's that you do what you want, when you want. So don't come at me with all these 'excuses', ‘cause frankly, I don't want to hear ‘em. You're not fooling me, and you're not fooling anyone, and perhaps more importantly, you’re not fooling yourself. You know what it is you need to do, you just don't want to do it. And it's that simple." 

Well, something happened to me in that moment. A light had pierced through the darkness of my mind. Something inside me began weighing it all out, "Is Charlotte right?" I wondered. At the end of the day, I'm still the guy in control of my day to day behavior, no one was holding a gun to my head and forcing me to look at pornography, though any amount of pain from any other human being was a great reason to retreat to my filth where I could self medicate.

The Law of Moses

You may ask: what does the Law of Moses have to do with overcoming pornography?

Perhaps, a lot!

It was suggested to me that to really overcome my addiction, I should completely eliminate access to the Internet from both my home and from my cell phone.  My first reaction was that I wanted to be able to depend on Christ to become free from this addiction.  I didn't want to depend on an artificial barrier like zero access.

I thought that just eliminating access from home or from my phone, would give me a false sense of recovery.  And, therefore, not having learned to control my actions, I would easily give in to temptation in any other environment.

So I asked my bishop about that.  His response surprised me.  He said many of us need to live the Law of Moses before we can live the higher law.  He followed up with an example from his own life.
The subject was “Chore Charts” for their children.  He said that his wife did not like to manage the chore charts. It was a lot of work for her.  But their experience had been that without those charts the chores would never get done.

Those chore charts were the Law of Moses for his children.  Of course, once the children had really mastered the responsibilities outlined by those charts, then and only then, could they be expected to master the “Higher Law.”

It’s the higher law that is embodied in the statement “I teach them correct principles, and they govern themselves.”  Perhaps many of us, including me, are not quite ready to live that higher law.

So back to my addiction and the Law of Moses: perhaps I need to be schooled in the basics like eliminating the Internet from most of my current environment before I can rely on Christ to remove those temptations from my thoughts and my life.

Thanks to a wise bishop, I am now doing just that. By the time I left the bishop's office my smart phone had become dumb and two days later I removed the Internet from my home.

P.S.  It has just occurred to me that many of those in the 90-day program are having success for the first time because the 90-day program, for them, is the "Law of Moses."  It has detailed requirements that they can check off.  And once they are successful in completing those requirements they can then move up to the higher law.

Just Say “No” to Self-Reliance

We men in the Church have a huge potential problem. 

From our earliest years we are taught to be self-reliant:

• Work hard
• Do not borrow
• Get out of debt
• Get a good job
• Support your family
• Make your own decisions
• Be the leader in the home
• Take responsibility for yourself
• Do not depend on others for support
• Pull yourself up by your own bootstraps
• If you've made a mistake, fix it yourself

These are all great concepts, except when they creep in to the areas of repentance and addiction.

Neither repentance nor recovery from addiction can be successful beneath the umbrella of self-reliance. Without help from the Lord, neither repentance nor recovery is possible. Yet we somehow feel that since “we got into this by ourselves,” thus “it is our responsibility to get out of it by ourselves.”  Wrong!

That is not Christ’s doctrine. We desperately need His help if we are to be successful. Many of us initially struggle with Steps 1, 2, and 3.  Each of those steps goes against what we thought we believed:

1. Admit that you, if yourself, are powerless to overcome you addictions.
     
2. Come to believe that the power of God [not your power] can restore you to complete spiritual health.
    
3. Decide to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.

Nowhere in those steps is there any mention of the need to be self-reliant.  Just the opposite, we are commanded to become humble and teachable. And until we can become humble, and give our will to the Lord, we will never be successful in overcoming our weaknesses.

Please ponder on these things and the Spirit will testify of their truth!

Porn vs Drugs

I know a friend who discovered marijuana (Pot) at a young age. He also discovered that he could grow the plant at home. That way he could use Pot almost any time he was alone by himself.

He also discovered that Pot would calm his nerves and relax him whenever he was upset, stressed or bored.

As he got older he was exposed to a stronger drug. To avoid encouraging anyone to try this particular drug, I will just call it Drug X. He found that the reaction he received from Drug X was stronger than the reaction he received from Pot. Within a short period of time he became a regular user of Drug X.

In the course of experimentation, he discovered that if he combined Drug X with Pot his reaction was three times stronger than either drug by itself.  So whenever possible he combined both drugs.

After a while he realized he had a full-blown addiction. Being LDS he finally confessed to his bishop. The bishop recommended a rehab program. The rehab program acknowledged that Pot was a drug but was specifically geared to help people deal with and eliminate Drug X. Pot was considered a lesser drug and not necessarily addictive.

In fact some trusted friends suggested that Pot would be a safe alternative to Drug X and that he should not feel guilty about continuing with Pot while he was overcoming his real addiction to Drug X.

To some degree he was able to avoid and become sober from Drug X, but he continued on with Pot not feeling that it was that big of a deal.

Neither the bishop nor those in the rehab program recognized that once Pot was closely associated with Drug X that it too would also became highly addictive.  And that it would eventually lead back to the dependence on both substances.

One day when really stressed, he knew where he could go to obtain Drug X and so he once again gave into those two substances and the cycle started all over again.

Now let me tell that same story, but with only a couple changes in the wording.

I know a friend who discovered masturbation at a young age. Since it was private and secret he was free to masturbate almost any time he was alone by himself.

Insanity:

You have probably heard the definition of insanity:

"Doing the same thing over and over again 

and expecting different results."

Well that holds true for relapse and recovery.

When we screw up we need to examine our actions and our routines, because something needs to change or the same thing will happen again----and again----and again.

Perhaps we need to change something that we are already doing or stop doing something that we are doing or start again something that we stopped doing or do more of something or all of the above.

The bottom line is: we need to change something in our lives.

The best way to determine what we need to change is to ask Heavenly Father, and then do whatever He says.

But if we ask Him what to change, we had better be prepared to follow through.

Let’s say the Lord said “I want you to crawl two miles on your hands and knees and I will remove this addiction.”  I know some guys who would jump at the chance.

Instead, let’s say the Lord said “Get up a half hour earlier each morning.  Study the scriptures and say your prayers out loud before showering, getting dressed, or eating breakfast.”

I think these same guys might reply, “But that’s too simple and anyway that’s not my routine so I can’t do it.”

Once again, if we ask Him what to change, we had better be prepared to follow though, even if it seems too simple or doesn't fit in with our normal routine.

Keep in mind, our normal routine is probably why we are stuck where we are.  And if we don't change anything, we are guaranteed to fail.

I know one guy who said,

"I tried my plan for recovery and failed miserably."

"Then I tried 50% my plan and 50% the Lord's plan and I failed miserably."

"I finally tried the  the Lord's plan 100% and I have been successful."

Is Relapse Normal?

Sure, relapse is normal. But, who wants to be normal? Wouldn’t you rather be sober? As long as I thought that relapses were a normal part of recovery, I kept having them.

When I had a cafeteria approach to recovery I took what I wanted, and left the rest. If I worked the steps I worked them at my pace, to my standards, and by myself. And I kept acting out. I hated it, but it was all I knew, I didn’t hear anyone telling me there was another way. People might have said it, but I didn’t hear it.

What I did hear was that I was making progress when I lengthened the time between relapses. I heard that progress was also shortening the time between relapse and confession. I heard that progress was having shorter or less severe relapses. But all I really heard was that it was OK to relapse. And with my cafeteria approach to recovery I liked the idea that relapse was a normal part of recovery, because that meant I could have some relapse with my potato salad.

I liked the idea of relapse being an option. This is a non-threatening recovery that doesn’t challenge me. It tells me to take it easy, it says hey man you’ve spent years doing this let’s not go ahead and stop overnight now, it took years to develop this problem it’ll probably take just as long to solve it. So just relax. Let’s take this one step at a time, preferably one step every six to eight months.

Like I said, the addict in me was comfortable with the idea of recovering slowly with lots of relapses, or in other words, not recovering. It was very uncomfortable with the idea that the addiction would one day lead to the destruction of life as I knew it. It squirmed at the idea of being powerless over the addiction. It hated the idea that I got myself into this problem and I couldn’t get myself out. I abhorred the idea of surrender. So I just didn’t think about these things; instead, I thought about lengthening my abstinence, confessing quicker, or acting out less. But still my focus was on acting out, not recovery.

The belief that relapse is normal is based on the assumption that human power is keeping us sober. Only human power could be so weak. If God was keeping us sober, would we relapse at all? As long as I relied on my power to stay sober, I continued to relapse. It wasn’t until I abandoned the ideas that my efforts would bring about my sobriety, and accepted the fact that God only could grant me sobriety, that I stopped relapsing.

Relapses are the kinds of things that make you want to puke in your mouth and never use a public restroom again, ever. And you are telling me that these are normal? Normal to who? When we seek recovery we are looking for a new normal. We are looking for a life where we don’t feel like our agency has been hijacked.
 
I can hear it already, “Relapses can actually be a good thing, if we learn from them.” I get learning from relapses, but I’d prefer to learn from sobriety, learn from my sponsor, and learn from God. Incidentally, my wife also prefers I learn this way.

* The original post can be found at EmbracingPowerlessness.com

My Addiction and the Amusement Park

I have been sober from acting out for six months. But I still have problems with thoughts and images that keep appearing in my mind. And sometimes it is really difficult to dismiss them.

I asked a therapist what I could do to get rid of those thoughts. Some of them really scare me because they might actually cause me to relapse.

He told me this story:

There once was a young boy who loved the amusement park. He spent most of his summers in that park going on all the different rides. When Christmas came all he wanted was a season pass to that park.

One day a man appeared to the boy in the amusement park and told him that God did not approve of the amusement park and didn't want him to go there anymore. So the boy left the park and never entered it again.

However, the boy brought a lawn chair to the parking lot of the park and set it up near the entrance. As people walked by he said to them, “Make sure you go on the Giant Ferris Wheel and the Roller Coaster.” As people came out he said, “Wow, didn't you just love the Tilt-A-Whirl!  It’s the best!”

Then one day he brought a sketch pad to the parking lot and began to sketch the rides that had been his favorites. He drew them exactly where he remembered them being in the park.

In other words, the boy had given up going into the park but his heart was still there. He had not had a “change of heart.”  Wow, that was hard for me to hear. I had thought that my heart, in all these months, had changed—but possibly not.

I'm not actually acting out.  But am I still wishing that I could act out?

I'm going to have to reevaluate my sobriety and work harder on turning my life and will over to the Lord and allowing Him to change my heart.

Please pray for me that I may be successful.

A Tender Mercy
While entering this post, I was asking myself what more I needed to do have the Lord completely change my heart. Where could I find the answer?  Then I looked over at a stack or papers next to my keyboard. On top of that stack was a printed talk that I had been given six months earlier.  Where that talk had been stored for six months I don't know.  But there it was at my fingertips. It contained the exact answer I was looking for. The talk is: "When Thou Art Converted" by D. Todd Christofferson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. I am now reviewing that talk each day as part of my dailies.

How much is overcoming this addiction worth?

If you could pay money to overcome your addiction, how much would you pay? If you could overcome it by doing some difficult feat, would you do it? 
I am reminded of the story of Naaman in2 Kings 5:9-14:

   

So Naaman came with his horses and with his chariot, and stood at the door of the house of Elisha. And Elisha sent a messenger unto him, saying, Go and wash in Jordan seven times, and thy flesh shall come again to thee, and thou shalt be clean.

But Naaman was wroth, and went away, and said, Behold, I thought, He will surely come out to me, and stand, and call on the name of the Lord his God, and strike his hand over the place, and recover the leper.   So he turned and went away in a rage.

And his servants came near, and spake unto him, and said, My father, if the prophet had bid thee do some great thing, wouldest thou not have done it? how much rather then, when he saith to thee, Wash, and be clean?

Then went he down, and dipped himself seven times in Jordan, according to the saying of the man of God: and his flesh came again like unto the flesh of a little child, and he was clean.

Are we like Naaman?  Are we willing to do "some great thing” to overcome this addiction, but what if we are only asked to:

1. Attend Weekly Meetings 
2. Share, and listen to the Spirit when others share
3. Do the steps
4. Read and answer questions in the guide book
5. Be accountable daily to a support person

Do we say like Naaman, “That’s too simple.  That won’t work for me.  I need to do more than that.”
Perhaps not!

May dad used to tell the story of two farmers, Pete & Joe:

  

Pete:  Hey Joe, we are best friends aren't we?  And you would do anything for me, right?
Joe:    Pete, you know we are best friends and I would do anything for you!
Pete:  Joe if you had two mansions, would you give me one of them?
Joe:    Why Pete, if I had two mansions, you know I would give you one of them!
Pete:  Joe if you had two Cadillacs, would you give me one of them?
Joe:    Why Pete, if I had two Cadillacs, you know I would give you one of them!
Pete:  Joe if you had two pigs, would you give me one of them?
Joe:   Hell no! you know I have two pigs!

Are we, perhaps like Joe?  We are willing to do “some great thing” or give up “some great thing” to overcome this addiction.  But we rebel if the Spirit asks us to do something close to home, like give up a smart phone or a tablet or stop viewing YouTube or Facebook or some other activity.

So back to my initial question:  How much is overcoming this addiction worth?  And what are you actually willing to do?

To Roommates of Those Who Are Addicted

Open letter to roommates of those who are addicted to pornography,

Dear Roommate:

The Problem

You may not realize it but you are in a position to be either a blessing or a curse to your roommate. Pornography addiction is a disease—a lifetime disease.  It can’t be cured but it can be controlled. So telling your roommate to just stop it would be like telling a diabetic to just stop having diabetes.

You can be a Blessing

You can be a blessing in the life of your roommate by setting a positive example.  You can do this by sharing your faith and testimony of the atonement of Jesus Christ.  You can invite your roommate to attend regular ward meeting with you. You can encourage him to participate in 12 Step Recovery Meetings. If you hold the Melchizedek Priesthood you can offer to give your roommate a blessing when he needs one. You can also set a positive example by not sharing any of your unfiltered Internet-connected devices with your roommate and making sure those devices are secure when not in your hands.

You can be a Curse

You may not realize it but you can also be a curse in the life of your roommate. You can totally demoralize and impede his recovery from addiction by leaving any unfiltered and unlocked digital device around your house or apartment where your roommate might get access to it.

Reason being, your roommate is actually powerless over his addiction.  It would be like bringing an unlocked liquor cabinet into the apartment of an alcoholic and then leaving. Or like you bringing adult magazines into your apartment and laying them on the kitchen table and then walking away. Or for those familiar with the book: “Sitting in a Rowboat Throwing Marble at a Battleship;” your roommate is sitting in a rowboat in your apartment with a small bag of marbles. Then you come through the front door dragging a huge battleship behind you.  He doesn't have a chance. Your roommate already receives enough temptations from Satan without someone living in the same apartment adding to them.

You need to realize that you are partially responsible for anything your roommate does with your digital devices. It’s not unlike a mission president reminding companions that they are their brother’s keeper.

If the digital devices in your apartment belonged to your roommate, he would have the option to put filters on them or give them away if he felt threatened by them. But since they belong to you, he has no control over them—only you do.

As a minimum, I ask you to pray daily for your roommate and about what you can and should do to assist him in his recovery from this addiction.

Since few non-addicted roommates will see this post, please share it where appropriate.

To Bishops

I wish every bishop of a single student ward, or a ward where single guys are roommates, would give a talk on this subject, at least to the men. It should be directed to anyone who owns a digital devise that could end up in the hands of someone with an addiction.

Friends don't let friends do porn.

Taking Sides

An Open Letter to My Children and Their Spouses:

Taking Sides

It has been expressed to Mom, either verbally or by your actions that you do not want to take sides, regarding our current separation.  I am writing this letter to tell you that you really do need to take sides. You need to take Mom’s side.

Mom is Guiltless

Mom has done nothing wrong; she has not broken any covenants or committed any sins.  She is guiltless.  She is doing what she feels is necessary to maintain her sanity.  I completely support her actions and have no ill feelings towards her.

I am Guilty

I, however, am guilty.  I have broken covenants, committed sin, and have need to repent.

My Addiction

Yes, I have an addiction. My addiction explains many things about me, how my mind works regarding my thoughts, my emotions (or lack thereof), and my actions.  But having an addiction is not an excuse.  I would not have an addiction if it were not for sinful choices I made in the past.  I am and will be accountable for those choices.

My Need for Support

I am receiving a lot of support, both from priesthood leaders, and those involved in the 12 Step Program.  I see and communicate with many of them at least weekly.  It is a great blessing in my life.  Plus I know that I am in your prayers and that my name appears often on the prayer rolls of the temple.

Mom’s Need for Support

Mom’s support is almost non-existent.  When she speaks to priesthood leaders, it is usually in the context of helping and supporting “her husband.”  It has little to do with her needs, either spiritual or emotional.  She has tried attending the 12 Step meeting for spouses, but it was not helpful.  She too needs a support group—each of you.  She needs your prayers and you putting her name on the prayer roll of the temple. She needs phone calls and visits. She needs you to take her side and let her know it. 

Your support of Mom is not in any way disrespectful to me.  It is what she needs and what I wish her to have. She cannot have too much love and support.

Love, Dad

What Works?

In a meeting with my bishop last week, he stated that he had seen a change in me.  He asked me what was different this time, as opposed to previous times when I had tried to repent.

Here are some of the things that came to my mind:

This is an Addiction: I finally realized what I had never understood before.  I have an addiction.  It is not just a “bad habit.” I now recognize that I was, and am, powerless over this addiction. Also based on study, I now better understand how addictions affect the brain, our thought processes, feelings and emotions. And just that knowledge has helped.

I Need to Surrender: To overcome this addiction I need to surrender my will to that of my Savior. Only He can fight this battle for me. If I try to fight it by myself I will always loose.

Dailies are Called Dailies for a Reason: I now have things I do every day. When I wake up in the morning I roll out of bed onto my knees. I thank Heavenly Father for a good night’s sleep and then ask to have His spirit to be with me as I study the scriptures. I then grab my smart phone and a hard copy of Preach My Gospel and climb back into bed. I then look up scriptures referenced in Preach My Gospel using the Gospel Library App on my smart phone. Often I will highlight those scriptures if I have not already done so.  After spending half an hour in the scriptures, I get down on my knees at the foot of my bed and have a real prayer.

My Prayers are Totally Different: My prayers are totally different now. I used to just pray using “lists.” I had a mental list for things I was thankful for, a list of people to bless, a list of things I wanted help with, etc. I now try to tell Heavenly Father what I am feeling, the challenges I face; my hopes and my dreams. I still try to fit in items from my “lists,” but they come second to my “conversation” with the Lord.  I also pray out loud. That has been a real but positive change for me.

I Attend 12 Step Meetings: For the last almost 14 months I have been attending at a 12 Step meeting each Wednesday. These meetings have had a huge influence on helping me to change. I have real heroes in those meetings! I feel the Spirit when I’m there! To me the Spirit I feel there is second only to the Spirit I feel in the temple. To emphasize the importance of those meetings in my life, I have only missed three Wednesday night meetings since I began.  As soon as Sunday is over, I look forward to Wednesday night.  Many of the changes I have made in my life are a direct result of comments and suggestions from my heroes in these meetings. And recently I started attending a couple of additional 12 Step meetings a week.

I Attend the Temple Weekly: I have a short term goal to attend the temple weekly. It has been a source of comfort and inspiration. I also make it a point to put names on the prayer roll each time I attend. Some of those names are family members and others are names of guys I know from the 12 Step Program. Even if I don’t know their last names, Heavenly Father knows who they are.

I Have a Support Person: I now have a real support person. I say real, because for several months I used a therapist as a support person. But that’s not an ideal arrangement. I try to report in to my support person daily and meet with him in person once a week. And I know if I needed him he would be there. I would never consider calling a therapist daily. Plus my therapist has never been addicted. That makes a big difference. My support person is also one of my heroes and I want to follow his example.

The 12 Steps Work: I found out that if I really try to work the 12 Steps that they will work for me. I haven’t gotten to Step 12 yet, but I am trying to be thorough in working on each step. I think I need to go back to steps 1, 2, and 3 often to remind myself that I cannot do this by myself.  And I know that even when I get to Step 12 I will still need to work on all the steps.

I Recognize Tender Mercies: Over the last couple of months I have become acutely aware of the many tender mercies that are constantly happening in my life. I think just the fact that I can now recognize them and give credit where credit is due—to the Lord, has been a positive influence helping me change.

A Bishop's Blessing

Here is a suggestion.  Whenever you have an appointment with your bishop, before you leave his office, ask him for a blessing.  He will be happy to give you one.  In fact, he would love to give you a blessing.

You are showing your humility in just asking him.

Those who are proud will not ask for a blessing because they know they can do it all by themselves.

My bishop knows that I am going to ask him for a blessing. And I always receive strength from that experience. That is what the priesthood is for.

For someone living at home, you may wish to request a Father's blessing. And that could be requested every day if needed. See the post.

Throwing Marbles at a Battleship

I am reading a very informative book, Sitting in a Rowboat Throwing Marbles at a Battleship.  It's an odd name but it makes total sense once you understand the background.

The book answers questions about addiction and recovery that I never really understood before. There are a lot of good books on repentance and the atonement, but this book emphasizes the tools for lasting recovery. If you aren't making progress in your recovery, continue to relapse, or are about to give up, please read this book!  

Here are a couple of paragraphs from the book:

"We Need to Understand that “Repentance from Sin” and “Recovery from Addiction” are Not the Same Thing. They are interconnected, but they are not identical. Addiction is not sin; repentance is not recovery. Sex addiction compels a person to sin, but it is not the same thing as sin. Likewise, just because a man repents of his sins, it does not automatically mean that he has entered recovery from his sex addiction.

This explains the baffling plight of the addict who has repented so many times he can’t count them anymore. Why does he keep going back to the pornography and compulsive sexual behavior? Is it because his repentance isn't sincere enough? Does he not cry hard enough? Does he not have enough resolve or conviction? Is his heart not broken? Is his spirit not contrite? Or is it maybe something else?"
 
You can purchase the book at Deseret Book or Amazon.com for about $12.00 or you can download your own free pdf copy by clicking here.