What About Fred?

I want to tell you about Fred.  Fred realized some time ago that he really was addicted to lust, which included viewing pornography and masturbation.  Once he realized that it really was an addiction, he started coming to ARP meetings.

At the meetings he discovered what we all have experienced – he found he was no longer alone.  He found brotherhood, support, understanding, and love.  

He immediately recognized that, as it states in Step 1, that he really was powerless to overcome this addiction by himself.  If he wanted to overcome it he needed support – from God, from his Bishop, and from his new friends in ARP.  So he depended on all of them.

He started going through the steps and his life was getting better.  Along the way he met Sally, a wonderful young woman.  

They started dating and eventually he confided in her that he had an addiction, but that he was attending ARP meeting and working the steps.  She accepted what he told her and said that she would support him in his recovery.

Please Note: It is important for any guy, who is seriously dating, to openly share with the young woman that he has an addiction and invite her to participate in the Spouse and Family Support meetings. Please check out this post:  The Importance of  Having "The Talk."

Once he started seriously dating Sally, he decided to make it his goal to be worthy to be married in the temple.  

Their relationship progressed and Fred noticed that the temptations and triggers seemed to become less and less – perhaps he really was recovering – at least that’s what he thought.

During this same period of time, a person Fred respected explained a theory that made sense to Fred.  

This person explained that lust, including viewing pornography and masturbation were on the opposite end of a path that leads to marital intimacy.  

And the closer one got to marital intimacy the farther that person would be from their desire for lust.  See the diagram below.

The above diagram and the theory are totally wrong, but Fred didn’t know that at the time.

As time passed, Fred and Sally became closer and the temptations became less.
  

Finally, Fred proposed and Sally accepted, and they made arrangements to be married in the temple.  

Fred’s bishop was very happy with the progress Fred had made in recovery and gave him a recommend for marriage without any reservations.
 

A different perspective

Let me deviate from this story for a moment to give you another perspective.  

Another player in this story is Satan.  He has his own plan for Fred and Sally.  

He wants to destroy both of them and their future family.  

So as Fred started seriously dating Sally, Satan decided to reduce the triggers and temptations that Fred was dealing with, to give Fred a false sense of accomplishment.  

Satan wanted Fred to become complacent in his recovery and feel like he had things totally under control.  

He wanted Fred to lessen his need for support from friends in ARP, from his Bishop, and from the Lord.  He wanted Fred to decide that he was “no longer powerless” – that he was back in control without outside help. 

Satan wanted Fred and Sally to believe, as they got married that Fred no longer had a “problem.”
 

Now back to the story

Fred and Sally had a beautiful temple wedding and honeymoon.  Everything seemed to be going well and the theory explained by the diagram above seemed to be working. 

At the time of their marriage, because he was now comfortable in his recovery, he felt as if he had “graduated” from the 12 Step Program.  

So he stopped attending meetings – stopped doing his dailies – and stopped reaching out to his ARP friends.  That was no longer necessary – or so he thought.
 

Reality hits

But at some point in the coming weeks and months, Fred noticed a change.  Those triggers and temptations, that he thought he had left behind, started to come back.  

In fact he realized that, with marriage, there were even new stresses and problems.  And with each new stress or trigger he was tempted to run back to his old addiction.

But that shouldn’t be happening.  What about marital intimacy replacing the desire to act out??? 

Well what Fred didn’t recognize was that that theory was totally wrong.  Marital intimacy does not cure addiction.  

For some reason Fred never put two and two together.  If marital intimacy was the solution, then why were there so many married guys attending ARP meetings????

Below is a better diagram of the reality of the situation.  Marital Intimacy and Addiction are TWO SEPARATE paths.  They are not really related.  

The only thing they have in common is sometimes we use the word “sex” to describe each of them.  

Both of the paths below can and do exist at the same time.  But they do not overlap.

​

Now back to Fred

Finally Fred relapses, perhaps not just once but several times.  What is he to do?  How can he tell Sally?  

They both were convinced that Fred had recovered – that he no longer had to worry or deal with addiction.  

If he does tell Sally, what will she think?  Might she come to the conclusion that “she is not enough” -- that it is somehow her fault?   

Fred knows that’s not true, but can he risk talking to her about it?  Will she even understand?

Should he speak to his bishop?  Will the bishop even understand?  The bishop was so proud of him for overcoming his addiction. 

What about contacting his former friends in ARP?  Will they consider him a failure?  Can he take the risk?

All these questions are running through Fred's head.  His initial solution is to isolate himself and pretend that everything is going well – just like he used to do prior to admitting he had an addiction in the first place.

Where is Satan in all of this?  As you might imagine, he is as happy as he can be.  He has Fred and Sally exactly where he wants them.  

Satan purposely reduced Fred’s temptations prior to his marriage to give Fred a false sense of security in his recovery.  

Then soon after Fred’s marriage Satan came back with a vengeance, causing Fred to relapse and go back into isolation and secrecy.  

Satan is wanting to destroy Fred’s future and the future of his family.  And he’s doing a pretty good job of it at the moment.
  

Advice for Fred

So do you have any advice for Fred????  Do you think he should continue on not talking to anyone about his addiction or his relapses and just keep it to himself?   Can he recover on his own?

If Fred were to ask me – and he hasn’t, I would suggest the following:

• Tell Sally what is going on – but assure her that she is not the problem
• Talk to your bishop and have him give you a blessing
• Reach out to former friends in ARP.  They will understand and they will not judge you!
• Start doing your dailies again – including personal prayer.  Couples prayer does not take the place of personal prayer.
• Consider returning to ARP meetings – it doesn’t have to be the same meeting – pick one that you are comfortable with.  Here is a link to the current meetings near you: https://bit.ly/ARPMeetings:  The moment you show up, you will feel the same spirit that you felt before.
• Start reviewing and working the 12 steps.
• Invite your wife to attend the Spouse and Family Support group.  They have 12 separate topics to help wives.  They are also based on the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
• Consider attending a “couples group” with your wife.  Two couples groups meet weekly in Utah County – one on Friday and one on Saturday – they are very helpful!
• Do not feel that you are starting over – you are not!  You are just picking up from where you left off.  You are not a failure – you are a hero for recognizing your need for the Savior and your desire to protect your family!

                                                                                

Conclusion

I have no idea if any of this story was helpful to you.  But there are Freds and Sallys out there.  

And these Freds feel trapped.  And these Sallys don't understand what happened to them. 

Both are wondering if there is any hope for their future.

The answer is a resounding "YES!"  There is hope in the Atonement of Jesus Christ and in the Church's Addiction Recovery Program.  

If we diligently follow the steps, attend meetings, pray with real intent, do our dailies, and reach out to Heavenly Father and our friends, we will succeed.

We should never give up on ourselves or on anyone else.

I have a testimony of that!!!!

For those of you planning on getting married soon, please keep coming to ARP!
We need you and you need us!!!

The Importance of Step Work

What exactly is Step Work?  And why is it important?

As best I can determine, Step Work is comprised of three main components:

1. Reading and studying each of the 12 Steps.
2. Actually doing the things mentioned in the Action Steps located at the end of each reading.
3. Studying and answering the Study and Understanding questions found at the end of each step.

So let me address them one at a time.

1. Read and Study Each Step

I already read one step each week in my ARP meetings but Step Work should be more than that. Each of us is on a different step. I need to study and make sure I understand and agree with that step I'm currently on before I move on to the next one.  To do that I should spend time on my step during the week -- both reading from that step and looking up the references. I should also pray about my step to receive a better understanding as to how I can apply it in my recovery.

I've heard it said, "If you don't know what step you are on -- You are on Step 1!"

2. Do the Action Steps

I also read the Action Steps each week im my ARP meetings, but they are called "Action Steps" for a reason.  If I don't do the action I am missing out on the "homework" for that step.  I need to actually do the action if I wish to receive the blessings found in that step.  And that action has to be done outside of the weekly meeting.

Here is one of my favorite scriptures on that subject: "There is a law, irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world, upon which all blessings are predicated—And when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated."  D&C 130:20-21

3. Answer the Study and Understanding Questions

The Study and Understanding questions are found at the end of each step for a reason.  They are not just filler.  I am actually expected to study out each question and try to answer it as best I can.  Once again, if I skip this part, I am cheating myself.  I am not learning what I need to learn.  I am trying to take a shortcut in my recovery.

So What Is The Best Approach for Me?

So what should be the best approach for me to do my Step Work,  There seems to be only one good answer, and that would be to do at least some Step Work each day. That could be just one of the items listed above or parts of any of the three. But for me to recover, I really need to do some Step Work each day!  And that would be in addition to my daily reading from the Book of Mormon and my prayers.

The Science of Pornography Addiction

The Word of Wisdom should be sufficient for members of the Church to refrain from Tea, Coffee, Tobacco, and Alcohol,  But it is nice to know that science supports the Lord's law of health.

The same should be true of the Law of Chastity.  We should obey this law without any need for scientific validation. But it is also nice to know that there is validation from modern science.

Here are two videos that explain the huge problems in society caused by Internet Pornography.  The second video builds on the first. So watch them in order..

The Demise of Guys EDITED (4 minutes)
This TED Talk explains that Boys/Men are falling behind Girls/Women in all aspects of our modern life. The cause being pornography.  I have edited out parts of the original which made me feel uncomfortable.

The Great Porn Experiment EDITED (15 minutes)
This TED Talk explains why pornography is so addictive, especially in boys and younger men.  I have edited out parts of the original which made me feel uncomfortable.

Liken The Scriptures

We are asked to liken the scriptures to ourselves in our personal situations (1 Nephi 19:23).

Here is a thought shared by John Bytheway regarding how God might react to our actions towards our wives or girlfriends when they call us to repentance.

John suggests that we take 1 Nephi 1:24-27 and change the gender from male to female; and here is how it reads:

"Rebel no more against your wife/girlfriend, whose views have been glorious, and who hath kept the commandments....

I exceedingly fear and tremble because of you, ... for behold, ye have accused her that she sought power and authority over you; but I know that she hath not sought for power nor authority over you, but she hath sought the glory of God, and your own eternal welfare.

And ye have murmured because she hath been plain unto you. Ye say that she hath used sharpness; ye say that she hath been angry with you; but behold, her sharpness was the sharpness of the power of the word of God, which was in her; and that which ye call anger was the truth, according to that which is in God, which she could not restrain, manifesting boldly concerning your iniquities.

And it must needs be that the power of God must be with her, even unto her commanding you that ye must obey. But behold, it was not she, but it was the Spirit of the Lord which was in her, which opened her mouth to utterance that she could not shut it."

Perhaps we might ask ourselves, does that scripture ring true for me in my current situation? 

Recovery Is Like A Jigsaw Puzzle

Coming to our 12 Step Meeting is like working on a giant jigsaw puzzle.  As we work individually on each of the 12 steps we gain understanding as to the different pieces of our own recovery puzzle.  Then when we come together each week we bring with us those new pieces that we have discovered.

At the meeting, we share our newly found pieces with each other.  I may have a piece that you need and you, likewise, may have a piece that I need.

The more pieces of the puzzle that are shared with each other, the clearer and more beautiful the image of recovery will become.

But if we do not attend the meetings regularly, we may miss important pieces of the puzzle being shared by others.

Step 12 -- The Guy In The Library *

THE GUY IN THE LIBRARY

So I did something impulsive today... It was super good! :)

I was sitting on the second floor of the library and sat next to this guy who was browsing the web with unusually small windows. I immediately thought of how I've peeked at inappropriate material on school computers in a public venue using smaller windows.

Being the nosy person I am, I wanted to see if this guy had similar issues to me. So I looked at what he was looking at. He was looking at NBA stuff. But then he did a google image search on something inappropriate.

I suddenly got a very sad feeling. I thought I'd feel better knowing I was right, but I felt worse instead. My heart ached for this guy. So, I was inspired to whip out my yellow legal pad and I addressed a note to him.

MY NOTE
"Hey Man, ..."  I explained that I was an addict and that whether or not he was, was none of my business. But, that I acknowledged that I've been in the same exact situation--ritualizing, and browsing inappropriate media on a public computer, with someone sitting next to me.

I told him that I hurt for him, and that I was there for him. I left my name and number, and a reference to fightthenewdrug.org in case he didn't feel comfortable reaching out. I told him I'd support him in any way possible.

I folded it up like a letter, slid it towards him, tapped him on the shoulder (he was using earphones) and said, "Hi, my name is Cody. I hope you're not offended or embarrassed."

Then I went to class.

HIS RESPONSE
I checked my phone after class.  I received this text message,

"Hey Cody. Thanks. Really thank you. After that I exited the screen and got off the computer. Thanks for reminding me that is not who I want to be. When you gave me that letter I didn't know what to expect. I was thinking it was going to say how horrible I was and that I am going to hell or something. I don't know if you believe in God but I felt like God reached out to me in the moment that I read your letter. 

When I read your note I immediately started to cry. Instead of being condemning it was understanding. I just thought wow someone cares enough to help me. I thought I was the only crazy person who was crazy enough to do that. I started off with good intentions to do school stuff and then I slowly got too complacent."

I was walking away from my class, being filled with the spirit. I knew that I had done what God wanted me to do this afternoon.

 

If we wish to recover from our addictions,
we need to pray daily 
and study and read from the Book of Mormon -- daily!

Prophetic Promises Concerning the Book of Mormon

·         “The Book of Mormon is filled with truth. If you read it daily, you will have more truth and power in your life…. if you will feast on the words of Christ found throughout the Book of Mormon, I promise that you will have greater power to resist temptation, increased ability to receive revelation, and greater capacity to deal with the challenges of life” (President Russell M. Nelson, Facebook, August 4, 2019

·         “I promise that as you prayerfully study the Book of Mormon every day, you will make better decisions—every day. I promise that as you ponder what you study, the windows of heaven will open, and you will receive answers to your own questions and direction for your own life. I promise that as you daily immerse yourself in the Book of Mormon, you can be immunized against the evils of the day, even the gripping plague of pornography and other mind-numbing addictions” (President Russell M. Nelson, “The Book of Mormon: What Would Your Life Be Like Without It?” Ensign, November 2017).

·         “When I think of the Book of Mormon, I think of the word power. The truths of the Book of Mormon have the power to heal, comfort, restore, succor, strengthen, console, and cheer souls” (President Russell M. Nelson, “The Book of Mormon: What Would Your Life Be Like Without It?” Ensign, November 2017).

·         “I feel certain that if, in our homes, parents will read from the Book of Mormon prayerfully and regularly, both by themselves and with their children, the spirit of that great book will come to permeate our homes and all who dwell therein. The spirit of reverence will increase; mutual respect and consideration for each other will grow. The spirit of contention will depart. Parents will counsel their children in greater love and wisdom. Children will be more responsive and submissive to the counsel of their parents. Righteousness will increase. Faith, hope, and charity—the pure love of Christ—will abound in our homes and lives, bringing in their wake peace, joy, and happiness” (President Marion G. Romney, “The Book of Mormon,” Ensign, May 1980, 67).

·         President Gordon B. Hinckley promised that as we read the Book of Mormon, there are great “daily promises.” He said, “there will come into your lives and into your homes an added measure of the Spirit of the Lord, a strengthened resolution to walk in obedience to His commandments, and a stronger testimony of the living reality of the Son of God” (President Gordon B. Hinckley, “A Testimony Vibrant and True,” Ensign, August 2005).

·         “There is a power in the [Book of Mormon] which will begin to flow into your lives the moment you begin a serious study of the book.  You will find greater power to resist temptation.  You will find the power to avoid deception.  You will find the power to stay on the strait and narrow path...When you begin to hunger and thirst after those words, you will find life in greater and greater abundance.” (Ezra Taft Benson, The Teachings of Ezra Taft Benson [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1989], 54).

 How to Avoid a Relapse

When I began my recovery the only thing I knew to do, when tempted, was white-knuckle it.

Later I discovered that there were better ways to deal with a trigger or temptation.

The following is something you might consider.

When being tempted or triggered:

1. Make a plan: It needs to be specific.
   
   
2. Write down your plan: If you just keep it in your head, it will just be wishful thinking.
   
   
3. Share your plan with a trusted friend--either your sponsor or someone in your group.
   
   
4. Review your plan during the week.
   
   
5. Follow your plan each time you are tempted.
   
   
6. Report back how it's going to the person you shared your plan with.
   
   
7. Reevaluate your plan: If the plan didn't work right, revise it.
   
   
8. Go back to #2.

Let me know if this works for you.

P.S.  You may need to produce two plans: one for pornography and one for masturbation.

UCAP 2023

 

UCAP 2023

Utah Coalition Against Pornography

A Great Talk!

Brad Wilcox  --  "Stay on the Bus"

What Works and What Doesn't

In overcoming an addiction, some things work well and some things just don't.

Let me cover both topics, but I'll cover the negative ones first.

What Doesn't Work

I have been attending 12 Step Meetings for over eight years. Over that period I have tried lots of things and observed lots of things that just don't work!

However, some of the things that don't work happen to be very popular -- but they still don't work.  Here are a few:

Tapering Off Doesn't Work

Trying to taper off from an addiction provides a false sense of hope, but it never works.  Does this sound familiar?

I was sober for 7 days last week, so this week I'll shoot for 8 days.  And then if he hits day 8 what happens -- he celebrates his accomplishment and relapses.

So after his relapse, he shoots for 9 days and then relapses and so on and so on.  

When I relapsed last, I had been sober for 11 months.  Should I now just shoot for 12 months and then relapse???

It never ends -- it really doesn't work!

Setting a Sobriety Goal Doesn't Work

This approach is also very popular.  But it too doesn't work.

Here are some examples:

1. I had a friend who wanted to stay sober so he could attend the sealing of his sister.  He made it.  But he relapsed the night after the sealing. You see he met his goal.  So he let down his guard and rewarded himself.
     
2. I have a friend who wanted to attend the temple with his younger brother when he received his endowments.  Well, he made it to his goal.  But you already know what happened afterward.
     
3. I know more than one guy who wanted to stay sober so he could get married in the temple. That was his goal. Well, each of those guys met their goal. But each relapsed within weeks of getting married.

Setting a sobriety goal only works up until you hit your goal.  It's not permanent.

Plus when we set a sobriety goal, our reptilian brain, remembers that goal and says: "I can probably wait till that date, and then I'll get my reward."

Stop Saying to Myself, "The next time I relapse, I'm going to....."

The moment I say "the next time" I'm giving myself permission to have a next time.  I need to stop doing that!

Counting Days Is Neither Good Nor Bad

The only thing I have against counting days is that it emphasizes something negative (the emphasis is on the last time you screwed up). 

I would prefer to count how many times I avoided a temptation or a trigger and then reward myself accordingly. 

One writer suggests keeping a 3 by 5 card in your pocket and making a checkmark every time you avoid a temptation so you can see how well you are really doing with recovery!

What Works

Here are a few things that I've found that work:

Decide That "This Time" Is The Last Time

Believe it or not, some time has to be the "last time!"  So when will that "last time" be???  If I keep pushing that decision into the future, I will never have a "last time."  So I must decide right now that the last time I relapsed will actually be the "last time!"  Go ahead -- do it!!

The Lord wants me to make that decision.  Satan wants me to postpone that decision.  

My spirit wants you to make that decision, My natural man wants me to postpone that decision.

Now I know what you're thinking.  Your thinking, "But I don't trust myself.  I've promised myself that countless times in the past.  How can I make that decision this time?" 

One big difference is that this time I will involve the Lord in that decision.  I won't be doing it by myself.  That's the whole purpose of the 12 steps.  

Now I admit I might make that decision and fall on my face.  But at least that decision has already been made -- it is still in force.  The Lord will support me in my honest efforts.

Other Things That Work

Here is a list of other things that have worked for me in recovery:

1. Attend at least one ARP meeting a week and be consistent.
    
2. If I attend more than one meeting a week, at least I should make one of them my "home group."  Get to know the guys -- get their phone numbers, etc.
    
3. Reach out to other guys and ask for help or reach out and offer help.
    
4. When I reach out, I bless TWO lives.  (This ought to be scripture)  :-)
    
5. The opposite of addiction is connection.  Reach out to someone at least once a day.
     
6. When tempted, use PMS: Pray, Move (go for a walk, etc), and get Support (call or text someone)
    
7. Do my dailies DAILY!  Include as a minimum, sincere prayer and reading the Book of Mormon.
    
8. Meet with my bishop on a regular basis.
      
9. Ask for a blessing on a regular basis. Every time I  meet with my bishop I ask for a blessing.
     
10. Be accountable to at least one other person, daily if possible.
     
11. Read my patriarchal blessing often (every Fast Sunday).
     
12. Fast with a purpose and do it more than just on Fast Sunday.
     
13. Give service to others and forget myself.
     
14. Do NOT isolate!

This looks like a long list.  But nothing on the list takes a long time.

Beware of Open Gates

Many of us have set up boundaries between us and a possible relapse. And those boundaries are like gates along a path. As long as we keep those gates locked and do not go down that path we will remain safe.

At times we are tempted to go down the path. And if we give in what happens? As we start down the path we begin breaking our boundaries and we unlock each gate one by one. We lie to ourselves saying, "I'm only going to go a little way down the path."

Hopefully, at some point, we come to our senses and ask ourselves.  Wow!!! What am I doing???  And we immediately stop and get off the path. We do PMS -- We Pray to Heavenly Father, Move away from the path, and reach out to others for Support.  We admit to God, to ourselves, and to others what we are doing and ask for help.

Now here is where the unexpected happens. Hours or even days later we may come back to that path. And instead of running into closed gates, we find that the gates we previously opened are still open!!!  And at that point, we find that we are already close to relapsing.

If we are not extremely careful in hours or even days after the first experience we will find ourselves in a relapse. And we might not even remember how we got there. That's how relapses and binges happen. And Satan is more than happy to whisper to us, "Hey you've already messed up, it doesn't matter anymore, so just keep going."

So what is the solution?  The solution, as requested by President Nelson, is daily repentance. Many of us have the mistaken idea that we don't need to repent until we actually relapse. WRONG! We need to repent each time we open one of those gates! Those gates don't just close by themselves. If we consciously repent the same day we open that first gate, we won't need to worry about subsequent gates. 

Once we repent for an open gate we can close it. In that process, we should pray more intently, be more honest, and ask Heavenly Father for His help.  At the same time, we can reach out to trusted friends for support.